My neighbor's college age son died this weekend. It is a sad affair, and it brought back all the memories and feelings I had when my wife passed away a little over a year ago. I saw my neighbor on the street walking her dog, and she said she'd like to talk to me at some point and share experiences. I agreed to do that, and then I had a sleepless night thinking about all of the different emotions and experiences she is facing. I started to prepare a list of things to talk about. I thought I'd put the list here in case it helps someone else. Of course, there are a lot of books on the subject as well, and there are links to two that I found most meaningful at the end of this.
1. Tell people. This was some of the best advice I got from someone. You need to get the word out to family, distant cousins, neighbors, and co-workers. Usually, you can get help telling people. I asked people at work to tell other people. That way, you can avoid the "shock" to your system if someone asks you about it, or the other kind of shock if they don't know and they ask a question that leads you to telling them through your answer.
Of course, you don't have to tell everyone. In my case, there was a lady who worked the fish counter at Whole Foods. Twice she asked me if I felt okay because she could see it in my face. I didn't tell her the reason because it just didn't seem right to do so. So, tell people, but only if you feel there is a reason for it.
2. This is a long journey. It changes you forever, and it will take time for all the adjustments. You don't get over it, but you can get on with it. That's a line I heard in an interview with an Iraq war veteran. She said that getting over it would mean forgetting, and that's not what you're going to do. However, you can get on with it, which means living out the rest of your life. Think about how much longer you have to live. In my case it is 30+ years. That would be a long time to wake up sad every single day.
3. It's your life and your loss. Initially, a lot of people will talk to you and compare your lost to their loss or the loss of someone else. It's all said with the best of intentions. However, how you feel and how you adapt to this change is what matters. I tried to pick up one thing from each story I heard and then see if I could use that idea. This is one of them based on my neighbor saying how each person in his family reacted differently when his mother died. Basically, that means you don't have to react in some specified way or feel a certain way for a certain period of time.
4. Food and exercise. Sarah and I adopted two dogs and added them to the family of two cats. I often feel very thankful that she pushed me to take both dogs (I only wanted to get one). I walk at least 3 miles every day without fail. I'm probably in the best physical condition of my life and that has helped me deal with all the rest of this experience. I probably cried on every morning walk at first, and sometimes I still do. However, it's harder for the intense sadness to grip you when you're walking uphill as fast as you can.
Along with the exercise (or maybe just being outdoors), you need to watch your food intake. For me, already fairly thin, I lost 10 lbs in about 3 months. I've never gained it back. Sometimes you need to force yourself to eat even though you might not feel like it.
5. Find ways to stay engaged with people. Obviously, there are going to be changes in your social life. For me, it means not having someone to go to concerts with, or go on other adventures. I had to develop other friendships to help fill the void. It was not easy, and it is still not easy. However, learning that you still have things that you enjoy and people who enjoy being around you is a big part of reclaiming your life. I look forward to seeing my friends on the weekend, seeing some of my dog-walking neighbors, and going to lunch with people at work. I appreciate all of these simple experiences much more than I did previously. I understand the value of being connected. I also force myself to do things by myself that I enjoy - like going to concerts. Trust me, you're never the only one buying a single ticket to the show. There are a lot of us out here.
I hope this helps someone someday.
Here are the links to some books that may help more.
I found this one very good in the early days. It has just one thought to read each day. Healing After Loss - Martha Whitmore Hickman
http://www.amazon.com/Healing-After-Loss-Meditations-Working/dp/0380773384/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1237297187&sr=1-1
This one helps explain all the emotions you go through at a time like this.
A Grace Disguised - Jerry Sittser
http://www.amazon.com/Grace-Disguised-Soul-Grows-through/dp/0310258952/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1237297274&sr=1-1
